These four friends tell us how they stay present when tensions flare
Ann Garrido: Remaining in conversation
It has not been easy! Even though I regularly offer workshops on managing challenging conversations, I still find it difficult to be in the middle of them myself! What keeps me “hanging in there” is an experience I had at twenty years old. I spent six months as an exchange student in Sierra Leone on the edge of that country’s civil war. Not long after I left, the country descended into violence. I lost all connection with my Sierra Leonean college friends and the places I loved were destroyed. I realized that no matter how difficult life is with one another, being in dialogue is always a better option than being at war.
This experience led me to study negotiation science with members of the Harvard Negotiation Project and to integrate content about managing difficult conversations well into the courses I teach for people of faith. How can I pray at Mass for Israelis and Palestinians or Russians and Ukrainians to be at peace if I won’t even try to remain present in my own tough conversations? Do I think my argument with my husband or co-worker is harder to figure out than the issues they are dealing with? When I “right-size” my own tensions in proportion to the struggles others face, it nudges me toward de-escalating situations rather than escalating them. I remind myself that remaining in conversation is an act of solidarity with those who are trying to do so in far more dire circumstances.
Ann Garrido is Associate Professor at Aquinas Institute of Theology, St. Louis, and author of Redeeming Conflict. Learn more about Ann www.anngarrido.com.
Father Joe Brown: Distracting from the pain
As is true of so much in my life, the social training I received from my grandmothers and parents have equipped me with some basic skills that have helped me not only survive some potentially toxic conversations, but to be able to bring the temperature down to a level that allows for true engagement with the other person. The secret? To listen with one’s eyes. Many highly trained behavioral psychologists would agree that listening is
often the best technique for averting or lessening contentious interactions. My grandmothers? “Come here; and sit down, and tell me what’s bothering you. And you want some cookies and some milk?” My mother? “Let me see….you are angry/upset/concerned about something. What’s going on?” My father? “Get in the car. Let’s go for a ride… I think I can see what’s bothering you.”
The social justice apostle, Ruby Sales, has spoken about her strategy for engagement, often. Her starting point is to ask, “Where does it hurt?”
Divisive conversations are often – maybe, almost always – indicators of a deep hurt that is being avoided by creating arguments that distract the other. Jesus is also a great example of how to deal with divisiveness. His encounters with people who were often defined as “culturally other,” teach us how he remained calm, no matter the subject or the source of the contention. He met anger with questions and with acceptance. His lack of fear spoke of how nothing could shatter his peacefulness. When there is no resistance, the storm can pass over.
Fr. Joe is a Jesuit priest and professor of Africana Studies at SIU-Carbondale. He was taught by the Dominican Sisters of Springfield in East St. Louis.
Rabbi Arthur Stern: Truth, not victory
This question immediately brings to mind what The Talmud says in Mishna Avot “Which is an argument for the sake of Heaven? The argument between Hillel and Shammai. Which is an argument not for the sake of Heaven? The argument of Korach and his company.”
Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks tells us “The argument between Hillel and Shammai: In their debates, one of them would render a decision and the other would argue against it, out of a desire to discover the truth, not out of cantankerousness or a wish to prevail over his fellow. An argument not for the sake of Heaven was that of Korach and his company, for they came to undermine Moses, our master, may he rest in peace, and his position, out of envy and contentiousness and ambition for victory.”
The Sages were drawing a fundamental distinction between two kinds of conflict: argument for the sake of truth and argument for the sake of victory. With this in mind I must remember what The Talmud tells me in Pirkei Avot and be sure that I am only seeking the truth and not trying to win an argument. This is critical to remaining present in a divisive conversation. It is incumbent on me to remain open minded. When I am trying to win I don't leave the door open for collaborative conversation.
Rabbi Arthur Stern, PsyD, is the rabbi at Temple Israel in Springfield, Ill.
Father Mateo Garr, SJ: Consensus as a cure for division
Polarization of beliefs is growing in many people and institutions. It has reached the point where, instead of seeking together what we have in common, we have moved into a world in which it is not enough to express a different opinion. It seems we must also attack people who have different ideas. Dialogue has disappeared. We find this in the Church as well.
We find some examples of this in last fall’s first synod session: the ordination of “righteous” men who could serve in remote parts of the Amazon. the ordination of women as deacons, and the possibility that LGTBQ people might celebrate the sacrament of marriage in the Church. A large number of delegates asked for these changes.
The pope, who wrote the encyclical letter Fratelli tutti on the importance of dialogue, removed them from the agenda. Why? By doing so, he reminded us that the Church is not a democracy (nor is it a purely vertical institution). Pope Francis wants to avoid divisions that have led to schisms in other churches.
The best way to describe consensus is the text from Luke 24 about the meal at Emmaus when the couple exclaimed “Were not our hearts burning?” Decisions are enacted when a large majority of the members strongly feel the consolation that occurs when the Holy Spirit moves their hearts.
Padre Mateo is a U.S. Jesuit priest who has served many years in Peru.
